So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
