my soul wont recognize me after tonight
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
