Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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