After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize