3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the raccoons are back...
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