i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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