We're like a lot better than the average bears
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize