Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
