Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
