she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
