He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize