Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
