the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
