Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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