found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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