Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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