I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
