Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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