she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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