3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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