I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
