I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
