We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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