Fuck appropriateness.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
