I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
