Your tits are I can't wait for
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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