An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Randomize
