either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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