and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize