I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
