I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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