im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
