Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
