The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
