last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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