I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
