i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize