I swear god or herbie drove my car home
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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