then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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