grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
