ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Found the puke drawer
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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