Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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