he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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