Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
