Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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