How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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