its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
