My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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