everyone is single if you try hard enough
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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