I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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