i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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