M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize