final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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