People in love make me want to vomit
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My breasts were aching with rage.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
