i just made my gag reflex go away.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
