I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize