peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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