I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
