I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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