I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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